The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
