god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
