Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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