we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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