Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
