He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
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Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
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She needs sedatives and a leash
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize