When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
