I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
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And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
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He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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