So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
