I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
