Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
