i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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