I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
