Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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