i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
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you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
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My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I love you.
Bad choice
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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