I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
