So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
