i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
