soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
