Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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