his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
