I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
