If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
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