hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
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WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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