Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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