I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
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I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
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Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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