You're my little dorito
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
