Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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