I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
That was before I lit my hair on fire
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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