I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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