I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
