yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
