I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
