I wannas sexs uuuuu
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
