We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
