Apparently you make a good broom.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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