when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
