what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
