just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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