Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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