i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
you inspire me to be a worse person
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
