how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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