he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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