Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
