I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
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In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
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I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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