Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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