I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
