he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
