She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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