i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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