but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
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