So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
