It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
