she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
