Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
