every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
