Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
