Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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