I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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