We got so high we made milksteak
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
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and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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