I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
