Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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