yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
