i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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