Me too!
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
