i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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