Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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